Sex and the Christian life, part 5

More On Chastity

Today I want to address some of the particular challenges Christians face as they strive to practice chastity. DISCLAIMER: I won’t be able to address any of these areas comprehensively, nor I will be able to address them in the full complexity they deserve, but hopefully I will be able to give some starting points for those wishing to be more faithful in this area. 

Guarding Your Eyes

It’s natural for us to recognize the beauty of God’s creation in the form of an attractive person. It’s natural for us to be drawn to certain parts of the human body on the members of the opposite sex. It’s natural for us to admire non-physical traits in other people which contribute to their attractiveness. These natural responses are not wrong. God designed us to be attractive to one another in this way. There is no sin in finding someone attractive. Most Christians, married and single, will be sexually attracted to many people throughout their life. This is simply part of who we are as biological creatures created by God.    

Sin enters the picture when we begin to lust. Feeling sexually attracted to another human being is not lust. That attraction, that impulse is a good thing given to us by God. Lust on the other hand, turns a human being into an object for sexual gratification. With lust there is no honoring of the other person, there is no recognition of a relationship, there is merely the desire to have, to posses, and to use another person for one’s sexual gratification. This can be done without saying a word, hence Jesus’ stern warning about lusting after other people in our hearts (Matthew 5:28). When we find ourselves lusting after another person we should shift our attention (mentally and physically) to something else.

The practice of chastity requires that single and married Christians learn to guard not only their eyes, but their hearts. Most affairs and most sexual sins begin in the mind and heart (that is, in our imaginations), and not in the physical encounters themselves. Guarding one’s eyes may mean not looking twice if a lingering stare causes you to lust. In today’s world this can be extremely difficult with the fashions that both men and women are sporting (which raises the whole issue of modesty), but with Spirit guided practice not looking twice can become fairly automatic. Also, it can be helpful to pray a simple prayer when feeling tempted to lust, “Lord thank you for the beauty of man” or “Lord thank you for the beauty of woman.” This prayer recognizes the goodness of creation, the goodness of sexual attraction, and the goodness of beauty in another human being. It also re-directs the natural impulse toward God and away from lust.   

Masturbation

Masturbation has been a controversial topic in the Christian community for a long time. The controversy encompasses a number of factors. However, the two greatest factors that contribute to internal debate in the Christian community about masturbation are: 1) The fact almost all people engage in this behavior at least at some point in their lives and 2) The reality that masturbation is often partnered with lustful thoughts about a particular individual. Some Christians have taught that all masturbation is wrong, as it is seeking sexual fulfillment outside of marriage. Other Christians have recognized that masturbation is at the very least part of the process of adolescence and coming to terms with our identities’ as sexual creatures. These Christians have usually wanted to affirm the normalcy of masturbation, especially for young people, while recognizing the dangers of lust associated with it.

It is certainly possible to live a healthy life without masturbation, just as it is possible to live a healthy and fulfilling life without sexual intercourse. Clearly masturbation can be used to lust after another human being, imagining illicit sex with them, and reinforcing one’s view of that person as an object for sexual gratification. Masturbation can become addictive but with God’s grace a person can build new habits and new patterns for dealing with their sexual impulses and with their lusts. Again, Christians have different views on this particular topic, but all would agree that using masturbation to lust after another person is wrong. 

Pornography

Pornography has become a destructive force in lives of millions of people. Christians are universal in their agreement that pornography is sinful. This is because pornography totally disregards the sacred dimension of sex. It takes a beautiful gift of God, which is it be shared privately, as a sacred trust, between a man and woman who have vowed everything to each other, and broadcasts it for lustful purposes. The acts themselves are sinful and demeaning and in turn they encourage further sexual and demeaning acts by the viewer (e.g. lustful masturbation). In addition, pornography is severely damaging the sexual lives of many married couples. Men and women are given unrealistic expectations about sex and what it should be like by viewing these materials.  Addiction to pornography has sky rocketed over the last few decades because of the internet.  

Fantasy

We have creative minds as human beings. Our minds will sometimes suggest and even paint vividly for us sexual fantasies. Many people have had the experience of having a sexual dream, in which a friend, co-worker, or other person is featured. These dreams can be embarrassing, , as well as sexually exciting. It is not sinful to have had such a dream or for a sexually provocative ideas or images to come into our mind. This is part of what it means to be human and part of what it means to live in our Fallen world (we are shown sexually suggestive images all the time). However, for the Christian, we must not dwell or encourage or actively embrace this sort of fantasizing for the same reasons we need to guard our hearts and our minds (see above). This would include not participating in various online and virtual games where individuals engage in textual pornography, or what is sometimes called cybersex, either as themselves or as characters in some sort of role playing game or scenario. This would also include reframing from watching certain movies and reading certain books (i.e. sexually explicit romance novels).

Cohabitation

Cohabitation is a normative practice in today’s society. However, it is not an ideal practice for Christians. There are numerous studies that show that couples who cohabitate before marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who do not. This, while a consideration, is not the primary reason why Christians should not cohabitate. The practice of chastity for single persons means the establishing of boundaries that will preserve chastity, not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually too. Couples living together, even if they manage to reframe from physical intercourse, will be tempted to push the boundaries of chastity in a variety of other ways. This is why it is not advisable to have one’s significant other over for the night, much less living with you. There may be times when an exception to this rule is in order, and then the couple should sleep in separate rooms. These exceptional circumstances must be severely limited and not be seen as excuses to move toward more regular cohabitation.  A couple living together before marriage, even if they are reframing from sexual relations, will still tarnish their Christian witness as most individuals will assume they are having sex if they are living together.  

Sex and the Christian life, part 4

Chastity

All Christians, whether married or single, are expected to practice chastity. Chastity is often confused with celibacy. Celibacy is a vow to abstain from sexual relations for life. This vow is most often taken by monks and nuns. Celibacy is a wonderful gift for those who are called to it and a wonderful witness to the rest of the Christian community (Matthew 19:12). It is unfortunate that local churches seldom present celibacy and the monastic life as potential vocations for their parishioners. Such vocations are not for the majority of Christians (most are called to marriage), but they are God’s will for some. If chastity was discussed and encouraged more frequently in our congregations it is likely that celibate vocations would increase as well.

Chastity for single Christians means abstaining from sexual relations, and for married and single Christians means developing a pure mind and a right attitude toward members of the opposite sex and sexual activity in general. Chastity and celibacy differ not only in that a celibate person vows to abstain from sex from life, but that a celibate persons vows to reframe from all sexual behaviors, period. A chaste single person may engage in some sexual behaviors (i.e. romantic kissing, embracing, etc.) with proper discernment and in the right spirit. Both married and single Christians need to establish sexual boundaries, this includes the obvious boundary of no sex for single Christians, but must also include boundaries that preserve the spirit of chastity in a relationship, whether between married persons or single persons.

The question for Christians practicing chastity is not “how far can I go without crossing the line” but “how can I best preserve a pure mind, a pure heart, and a loving attitude that honors God?” For single persons this means acknowledging that sex is a sacred gift and that it is a gift to be given away only within the confines of marriage. It also means recognizing that one’s body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, and that sharing one’s body (visually or otherwise), is a precious gift and should not be done lightly. For married persons practicing chastity means resisting the temptation to embrace sexual attention, stimulation, or fantasy from anyone or anything other than one’s spouse. Discussions of chastity are often reduced to a list of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. This approach has some merit, but fails to capture the true spirit of chastity, which is not only about purity of body, but purity of mind and spirit.

Chastity is ultimately about guarding your mind and heart.  We all know how easily our bodies can submit to the demands of our mind or the cravings of our heart. Chastity is about allowing the Holy Spirit of God transform our hearts and our minds into something beautiful, something strong, something that reflects the glory of God and the majesty of creation. Maintaining a chaste spirit is not easy. Today, more than ever, the world provides a number of challenges for Christians wanting to be faithful in this area. Next week I will address some of these challenges and how many Christians handle them. 

Sex and the Christian life, part 3

Sex and Singleness

Living as a single person presents considerable challenge to the average Christian when it comes to sex. Traditionally, Christian ethics have understood sex as something to be engaged in only by married persons. However, across the centuries, and especially in our day and age, the Church and its teachers have recognized the challenge this ethic presents and the reality that many believers struggle with it and that others essentially ignore it. It should be stated right away that sins related to sexuality are not necessarily worse than other forms of sin (e.g., cheating, stealing, raging anger, etc.). Of course, while Biblically this is true, in our societies and our churches this is often not the case. Sexual sins are made out to be the worst possible of all offenses, especially those committed by Christians. Such a belief is short-sighted and fails to take into consideration the all encompassing effects of the Fall and how many things in our lives can separate us from God, from other people, and from ourselves as God intended us to be.  

The prevailing sexual ethic in Western society could be summarized as follows, “as long as the two or more parties are adults, and all involved consent, everything is permitted.” This ethic is preached, painted, and demonstrated everywhere. It is part of the air of modern western society. Even the believing Christian who wants to follow Christ in this area cannot help but be influenced by this ethic because he or she lives in a world saturated by it. It appears in advertizing, in film and television, in the lives of celebrities and other notable figures, on the internet, and in the lyrics and music videos of popular music. Most powerfully, the “normalness” of this ethic and its acceptability is seen by the average Christian in the lives of his or her friends, co-workers, and family members.

It is a small wonder than that there are any Christians who continue to practice chastity. Which for single Christians means abstaining from sexual relations, and for married and single Christians means developing a pure mind and a right attitude toward members of the opposite sex and sexual activity in general (we will talk more about chastity next week). Thanks be to God there are many who do and many who are striving, despite their struggles, to live a chaste life. The single Christian who struggles with sex needs to know there is plenty of forgiveness and mercy from God. God is not interested in punishing us or making us feel bad. The guilt that is associated with sexual sin is an appropriate recognition of failing to do the right thing. However, God does not want us to stay trapped in guilt, shame, or despair over what we have done. He invites us to confess our sins, to amend our lives, and to receive His forgiveness.  

There are many Christians, including some pastors and theologians, who want to claim that sex outside of Christian marriage is permissible. I believe this is a difficult claim to sustain on the basis of Scripture and the Church’s clear teaching over the centuries. This claim is usually stated along these lines, “Sex is special. It is a gift given to us by God. You shouldn’t have sex casually, but only with someone you love.”  This is a better ethic than the popular ethic that anything goes between consenting adults. This approach to sexual ethics limits sexual activity to two persons who are in love. Of course the difficultly here is in defining love. Does that mean romantic love, emotional love, committed love, or the intention to get married some day? Furthermore, this ethic totally ignores the clear teaching of the Bible, which defines sex outside of a marriage as a sin (Acts 15:20, 1 Cor 5:1, 1 Cor 6:9, 1 Cor 7:2, Galatians 5:19-20, Ephesians 5:3, Hebrews 13:4). Those who wish to claim that it is acceptable for Christians to have sex outside of marriage need to deal with these passages as well as 2000 years of Christian teaching on the subject.

Another popular argument for the acceptability of sex before marriage that sometimes slips into Christian circles is the issue of sexual chemistry. This argument reflects the enlarged and grossly overstated importance of sex that is promoted by popular culture. It also reflects a selfish perspective where relationships are more about my own happiness rather than bringing happiness to another person. Can issues of sexual chemistry be painful for married couples, of course they can. This is a difficult issue for some and I do not wish to make light of it. However, with God’s grace, and when necessary, with help from counselors, the vast majority of married couples can sort out these issues. Again this argument does not take into consideration the Christian view of sex as a sacred act, a sacred gift given to us by God and then shared as a gift between two people who have pledged everything to each other in the vows of marriage.

Sex can certainly be a great joy, a beautiful expression of love, and an exciting encounter with the goodness of creation as created by God. However, millions of people have lived full and fulfilling lives without sex. Sex is grossly over-rated by our society. The single Christian is not missing out on the biggest secret that the world has to offer if he or she abstains from sex. However, sex is an intimate expression of who we are, a very sharing of our body, mind, and spirit with another person. It should not be treated casually, or like candy (which is essentially how popular society understands it), but as a sacred gift given to us by God and intended to be a living metaphor of Christ’s relationship with the Church. As such it is best enjoyed and expressed within the covenant of marriage, where a man and woman pledge themselves to one another in the name of the Triune God.  

Sex and the Christian Life, part 2

Sex and Marriage

Over the centuries the Church has repeatedly taught that sex is permissible for Christians only within the confines of marriage. Sex has been seen as literally the final touch between a man and woman who have bond themselves together before God and before people. It is legitimate to ask whether this ethic was given to us purely for cultural reasons. One can point to the reality that first century people married at a young age and thus abstaining from sex for many years before marriage was not a reality envisioned by ancient peoples. One can also recognize that even in the first century, the time of the New Testament, there were both Jews and Christians who did not abide by this ethic, but failed to do so for a number of reasons. It can also be acknowledged that abstinence from sex from the first century until roughly fifty years ago was the only reliable form of birth control. These observations are important, especially as we seek to apply Biblical principles to Christian sexual ethics today. However, they do not – in and of themselves- tell us whether there are other reasons that Christians have traditionally limited, at least ideally, sex to marriage.

Sex as we discussed in a previous post is a good gift given to us by God. However, due to the results of the Fall sex can also be something that separates people from God, from others, and from themselves as God intended them to be. Sex is a creative and life giving act which unites two persons, not only physically, but emotionally, and spiritually as well. The sacred dimension of sex is part of our heritage as Christians. This is important to understand in order to truly appreciate traditional Christian teaching about sex and marriage. The words of the Apostle Paul reflect this sacred understanding of sex as found in 1 Corinthians 6:13-20:

The body is not meant for fornication but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body…Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Should I therefore take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that whoever is untied to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For it is said, “The two shall become one flesh.” But anyone united to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Shun fornication! Every sin that a person commits is outside the body; but the fornicator sins against the body itself. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, which you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you were bought with a price; therefore glorify God in your body.

Struggles with sex and sexual ethics are not new! The first century church in the Greek city of Corinth was wrestling with a number of problems, including problems related to sex. The Apostle Paul is specifically addressing a problem related to religious prostitutes at pagan temples, but the principles he outlined relate to the broader understanding of sex, sexual ethics, and the human body found throughout Holy Scripture.

Our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. Just as physical temples are to be preserved and cared for, so should we take care of our spiritual temples, our bodies. Just as Christian temples – churches – are dedicated to one God, so should Christians dedicate their bodies to the one God through a conventual relationship with one other person (or as we will discuss in a later post, to celibacy). Just as Christians dedicate themselves to the worship of one God for the rest of their lives, so should Christians pledge themselves to a lifelong relationship with just one person. Christian marriage is intended to be a reflection of Christ’s relationship with the Church. It is also intend to be the ordinary locus of spiritual growth and development. In other words, just as monks enter a monastery to pursue their life with God, the majority of Christians enter into marriage, and this will be their “monastery” for the pursuit of their life with God.

It is for Biblical and theological reasons then, not merely cultural ones, that Christians have maintained a sexual ethic that has often been unpopular. It is helpful to point out that the larger Roman culture which dominated the lives of the early Christians was sexually promiscuous, not unlike our own. Sex outside of marriage was seen as acceptable in many cases, several pagan religions sponsored “sacred” prostitutes, and sex between persons of the same gender was commonly known and praised by some. In the face of all this the early Christians, drawing from their Jewish heritage, maintained that sex was intended by God for enjoyment within the confines of marriage. It would have been easy, and would have made Christianity more appealing to some, if the early Christians simply would have conformed to the sexual ethics of those around them. They did not, nor should we with the help of the Holy Spirit.